I've said a lot. Yet I still have some words left unsaid. As I slip into dysthymia, I'm trying to hold on to this one feeling that is still strong but steadily fading. As I look back at my past self from not too long ago, I feel like looking at a distant stranger. Everything's so foreign. Was I really the same person, that felt those emotions, and went through those experiences?
I'm not dead, but might as well be. If I had a soul, a large part of it had probably left this hollow shell.
Contemplated about drawing out these distilled thoughts of mine. Maybe commission it for someone to draw. Not really a comic, more like a soliloquy. Spoken to a silent listener. I don't know why I'm posting this here. Maybe it's the equivalent to screaming into a void.
Before I completely lose my sense of self to my mental illness. I want to capture these fleeting words.
Words left unsaid.
I never had the chance to ask. But I've always wondered. Do you... believe in the parallel universe? You know...alternate reality.
Do you think that across the infinite amount of parallel universes, would there be a C who got together with a Little Miss Tuzki 🐰?
You're a fair person. I know what your answer would be.
But you'd probably think of a way to phrase it that wouldn't give me false hope.
You probably also know my thoughts on it. Too bad that the universe where C and 🐰 got together is not this one.
Actually, that is how I made peace with how things are between us.
I really believe in the multiverse more than I believe in God and my religion. I guess that makes me a lousy person, huh?
Under normal circumstances, my reaction to rejection is lost of interest. Pride had always got me over girls pretty quickly. My ego won't let me fixate on non-mutual romantic interest.
You're the only exception. I have to do mental gymnastics of a rationalization.
I have no empirical evidence to substantiate my claim. But I'm pretty sure that you are the best 🐰 across all the universes.
That's why I'll never be good enough. That's why I'm fine with this and somewhat moved on.
I know you too well. You don't want to pursue anything that seemed "forced". You "go with the flow".
It sucks, but in my mind, you're gonna get swept away by an expat that will click with you the moment you two met. I think that you're way too good for the locals.
Before that moment arrives, I just want to keep reminding you how cool and awesome you are.
That's the only thing I want. No more, no less.
I might not be the best C. Maybe even the worst C in the whole multiverse.
But your brief presence in my life has made me tried my darndest to be the best C I could be, no matter how I rank among all the Cs across the multiverse.
Thank you.
- C
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Once more, with feeling
It's fasting month. It's the time of the year where I have to gather my strengths to face the day where I'll be at my weakest. Even though I have protocols in place, I feel that Raya is the one day that I might go through all of my stop-gaps and fail-safes.
As someone who've survived multiple suicide attempts before. In what feels like multiple lifetimes ago. I admit. The distant darkness would sometimes still creep in. But a silly little mantra has always helped me pull through. Not with just staying alive, but with everything that I do. It let me hold on long enough, as I hold out for some kind of mad hope. Compelled me to take another shot. Made me try my best. Made me be better.
The significance which I ascribed these simple words to... To most, they are but a title of an episode of an old tv show. But to me, they are the vanguard at the forefront of my battles. They rally all of my emotions, prepare me for the war within.
Don't get confused with its conventional ethos. The internal chant doesn't mean the last hurrah. It's not calling for one final act before taking a bow. It might sound like denouncing previous efforts. But truly, it doesn't invalidate past feelings.
It turns the worst pains I have into the most valuable lessons for me to keep moving forward. It resets my convictions with strengthened resolve. Akin to making the same vows with renewed vigor. Enables me to go all in, no matter how little that I feel that I have left in the tank.
Like the fictional doctor, endlessly shouting without relent, "Dormammu, I've come to bargain!" Once more!
Imagining it like it was the first time. Yet as if it will be the last time. Once more!
Exactly like PRU, "Ini kali lah!" Once more!
Ignoring the cruelty of life. Of mistakes and regrets. With infinite mental redos. Once more!
Because I realize that I've been here before. For millions of times. Yet I'd still decide for another go. Once more!
As I get intoxicated with the ideas of the best possible outcomes. I'd convince myself that they're not gonna be just wishful thoughts and dreams. And I'd say to myself:
"Once more, with feeling."
As someone who've survived multiple suicide attempts before. In what feels like multiple lifetimes ago. I admit. The distant darkness would sometimes still creep in. But a silly little mantra has always helped me pull through. Not with just staying alive, but with everything that I do. It let me hold on long enough, as I hold out for some kind of mad hope. Compelled me to take another shot. Made me try my best. Made me be better.
The significance which I ascribed these simple words to... To most, they are but a title of an episode of an old tv show. But to me, they are the vanguard at the forefront of my battles. They rally all of my emotions, prepare me for the war within.
Don't get confused with its conventional ethos. The internal chant doesn't mean the last hurrah. It's not calling for one final act before taking a bow. It might sound like denouncing previous efforts. But truly, it doesn't invalidate past feelings.
It turns the worst pains I have into the most valuable lessons for me to keep moving forward. It resets my convictions with strengthened resolve. Akin to making the same vows with renewed vigor. Enables me to go all in, no matter how little that I feel that I have left in the tank.
Like the fictional doctor, endlessly shouting without relent, "Dormammu, I've come to bargain!" Once more!
Imagining it like it was the first time. Yet as if it will be the last time. Once more!
Exactly like PRU, "Ini kali lah!" Once more!
Ricocheting with rocking momentum like a beat-down Bobo doll. Once more!
Again and again. As many times as it takes. With everything that I've got. Once more!Ignoring the cruelty of life. Of mistakes and regrets. With infinite mental redos. Once more!
Because I realize that I've been here before. For millions of times. Yet I'd still decide for another go. Once more!
As I get intoxicated with the ideas of the best possible outcomes. I'd convince myself that they're not gonna be just wishful thoughts and dreams. And I'd say to myself:
"Once more, with feeling."
Saturday, April 28, 2018
The Most Beautiful
Tomorrow is supposed to be my convocation. Which I'm skipping because the person I care about would have not come if I were there. Besides, I have a fucked up family that doesn't care about me. I'm just gonna celebrate my graduation tomorrow over lunch with a bunch of friends.
This is just a little something that I wrote and posted on HUCP.
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I miss the days that felt like dream. Wǒ xīwàng wǒ kěyǐ xuǎnzé xìng shīyì.
I know that this won't reach you. It's just that this was the place where I first got honest with my own feelings, before I got honest with you.
You know I don't do compliments. I think I might be a little late in figuring this out compared to most people. How beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Probably because I'm never one that gives much thoughts about looks, even though I've dated and been in relationships with beautiful girls before.
Knowing you, I've learned that the concept of "the most beautiful" is not something out of the bell curve. It's independent from the continuum of standard deviations, of what is considered aesthetically pleasing to the ocular senses on the normal distribution. It's not universally agreed based on mediated norms and standards. Nothing to do with symmetry, any arrangement nor composition of features following a sequence found by a renowned 13th-century Italian mathematician.
I'm fine with this paradox, it causes me no dissonance. That the most ordinary is also "the most beautiful". The definition is free from constraints of any kind of defects, more baroque than it is perfect. Riddled with biases, an unwinnable, losing debate of logic. Yet I still would defend my clearly distorted opinion to death.
At the end of the day, my idea of "the most beautiful" is cunningly familiar, somewhat parallel to my ideas of the most inspiring, the dearest, the most relevant. I looked around and saw beauty everywhere. But everyone else is just another pretty face, everything else is just noise.
Rooted in the strongest sense of appreciation of a singular existence amongst the many..."The most beautiful" is a title, a paper crown that I reserved to my revered, most desired, companion of proximal intellect. An illuminating candle in the dark, in this demon-haunted world. A Lorenz's butterfly that kicked up cascading tornadoes of growth. And I'm utterly convinced with this irrational, unshakeable conviction. That other people are at the biggest loss of their lives, for they might only come to a fraction of agreement with me. It's a damn shame that they won't ever experience a similar revelation of an esoteric realization.
In the past, "the most beautiful" might have been the different people that came into my life. And I really thought that I'd think differently since we've already been far apart for long. But for now, at least in this moment. And quite probably for a while still.
As I closed my eyes, tucked in a corner of my brain. Those neural connections that formed the idea of you...Without a shred of a doubt, about this, I'm sure and certain.
Today, the one that reigns, that singular existence, "the most beautiful", is you.
I hope you'll feel beautiful on your convocation, Little Miss Tuzki. May it be one of your most wonderful memories. Stay cool and awesome. - C
This is just a little something that I wrote and posted on HUCP.
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I miss the days that felt like dream. Wǒ xīwàng wǒ kěyǐ xuǎnzé xìng shīyì.
You know I don't do compliments. I think I might be a little late in figuring this out compared to most people. How beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Probably because I'm never one that gives much thoughts about looks, even though I've dated and been in relationships with beautiful girls before.
Knowing you, I've learned that the concept of "the most beautiful" is not something out of the bell curve. It's independent from the continuum of standard deviations, of what is considered aesthetically pleasing to the ocular senses on the normal distribution. It's not universally agreed based on mediated norms and standards. Nothing to do with symmetry, any arrangement nor composition of features following a sequence found by a renowned 13th-century Italian mathematician.
I'm fine with this paradox, it causes me no dissonance. That the most ordinary is also "the most beautiful". The definition is free from constraints of any kind of defects, more baroque than it is perfect. Riddled with biases, an unwinnable, losing debate of logic. Yet I still would defend my clearly distorted opinion to death.
At the end of the day, my idea of "the most beautiful" is cunningly familiar, somewhat parallel to my ideas of the most inspiring, the dearest, the most relevant. I looked around and saw beauty everywhere. But everyone else is just another pretty face, everything else is just noise.
Rooted in the strongest sense of appreciation of a singular existence amongst the many..."The most beautiful" is a title, a paper crown that I reserved to my revered, most desired, companion of proximal intellect. An illuminating candle in the dark, in this demon-haunted world. A Lorenz's butterfly that kicked up cascading tornadoes of growth. And I'm utterly convinced with this irrational, unshakeable conviction. That other people are at the biggest loss of their lives, for they might only come to a fraction of agreement with me. It's a damn shame that they won't ever experience a similar revelation of an esoteric realization.
In the past, "the most beautiful" might have been the different people that came into my life. And I really thought that I'd think differently since we've already been far apart for long. But for now, at least in this moment. And quite probably for a while still.
As I closed my eyes, tucked in a corner of my brain. Those neural connections that formed the idea of you...Without a shred of a doubt, about this, I'm sure and certain.
Today, the one that reigns, that singular existence, "the most beautiful", is you.
I hope you'll feel beautiful on your convocation, Little Miss Tuzki. May it be one of your most wonderful memories. Stay cool and awesome. - C
Thursday, January 11, 2018
She
"This is a ballad
The Ballad of C
The ballad of me."
A little bit background of myself before I start rambling. Because I know inevitably, some people would be judgmental about my faith as a Muslim.
I have to be frank, my faith is weak. When I was in secondary school, I read a journal article, and it kinda challenged the fundamentals of what I believed in. I just couldn't be a Muslim anymore.
And so, I went out of Islam, because I realized that it was nothing but blind faith. I went on for some soul searching, researching and reading a lot of historic materials and stuff on religions. I admit, at one point, I was really close to choosing Christianity. Because how hospitable they could be, compared to a lot of Muslim assholes that I know. I knew the Christians would welcome me with open arms if I ran to them. But based on everything that I've read, I decided that if there was ever one true religion, it has to be Islam. I came back to Islam after I deliberated on the evidence. Emotions almost tilt me over to other religion, but if the evidence were pointing to other religion than Islam, I would have probably chosen that instead. That's how objective I am.
I think ultimately if there's a god, I believe that he will be a merciful one. And he'd know that I've done the homework. If there is a true religion and I picked the wrong one, he'd forgive me. But philosophically speaking, religion is like throwing the dice. Cos we will never truly know for sure. At least before I threw the dice, I did my due diligence. So that's why I can respect all religion. Nobody is wrong, cos we don't really know who is right.
To those who would criticize me for ever coming out of Islam. I ask you this. In a hypothetical life in which you are immortal, and will outlive everyone else. Would you just stick to the one religion you were born with, and be a Muslim for hundreds, thousands of years without questioning anything? If you answer yes, you are probably a hypocrite. If you're not a hypocrite, I respect your faith. But know that, in a way, that I've lived a hypothetical immortal lifetime compared to you because I questioned my own faith. God gave each of us a brain so we could think and decide. Don't be afraid of the truth that you might find, seeking for answers.
So, with this, I hope you get a clear picture of how I am as a person and where my faith as a Muslim stands.
From my point of view, religion shouldn't get in the way of love. Because love is so pure and universal, that it transcends language, culture and every single social construct. Religion is taught, so it's very hard for me to fathom that it should take precedence over love which is innate to every human. The language of compassion and affection is understood even by aboriginal people. I think that people who are confined by their religion about who they decided they "could fall in love with" is just outright ridiculous.
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Some more background, if you're still reading. When I was younger, I failed my chemical engineering course, was depressed for years and stayed at home. My family didn't care about me. Picked myself up, signed up for psychology.
I was dysthymic in foundation and also the first year of my psychology degree. My happiness ceiling was low, I just don't feel that happy even when I did stuff that should make me happy. I don't have any needs to socialize. I avoid people, I purposely dressed ugly. I didn't change my phone. I was using my Sony Ericsson W700 up until 2016. I go to class, I go back. It wasn't until my friend Mun Theng brought me out of my depressive state that I started making new friends.
The people who knew me before and after, they might think that I've changed. Some think that I "improved" my social skills. Some think that I'm "pretending" to be someone I'm not. But trust me when I say I didn't change. I just became normal again after a long time. And for that, I'm forever grateful and indebted to the awesome Lieu Mun Theng. <3
One weird thing about all this is I will always have people who are into me. Sometimes I even get the crazy ones. Exhibit A, le crazy fan:
I'm just telling this now because some might think that I'm the forever alone kinda person for what I have to tell later. I'm not. In fact, I think my self-esteem when it comes to romantic relationship is a bit inflated given the fact that I've been with amazing girls who are above average in their looks. Even got some non-Malay juniors confessing to me before I was finished with my degree.
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*Deep breath*
Here goes. The extremely simplified version of what's happening with my current love life:
I liked a girl. Asked her out for a date. She said no.
I thought we could be normal friends. Turned out she didn't want the old friendship. She wants something less. I was okay with it for a bit, until I was not. And now I can't get over her.
Yes, it's pathetic, I know. We didn't get into a romantic relationship, she was not my girlfriend. Why should I get so hung up on her? I asked myself the same question. My friend David called me a "beta male" for this. Illogical thoughts are plaguing my mind, that it really annoys me to no end. It's very incongruent with me as a logical person. I just can't help it. I can only put it as my brain going rogue and off the tracks with how I'm feeling. Its hella frustrating to have no control over your own thoughts.
To give perspective, this is how my relationships usually go.
First comes friendship. If I feel that I want something more, I would then ask her out for a date to explore romantic interest. If it buds, then we go the next level. If not, then we could stay friends. If I get rejected, I move on. It's simple, it's practical.
I'm not adhering to the things I've outlined for myself, and I don't know why.
In my mind of how it was supposed to be:
She's an extremely interesting girl, and way out of my league.
I will probably get rejected, but I will have no regrets. We should still be friends.
After she told me "There's no turning back",
I lost a friend. But that's okay. I can still be inspired by her, we can still be colleagues.
But the current hiccup in the plan is that she's occupying the spaces of my mind, that a part of me thinks I wouldn't consider anyone else but her.
No one person is completely similar to another. But statistically speaking, if I meet a lot of people, I should be able to find someone similar to her. Added to the fact that I've been with different types of girls before, so finding someone like her shouldn't even be my concern. I should be very open to any girl.
So why is it that a part of me still holding on to some idiotic hope? Why do I have this lingering feeling that no one else will ever fill the void?
I rejected a lot of people. I used to think that those people will manage just fine. Because to me, we didn't even get into a romantic relationship. It was nothing serious. There was no commitment or anything. The feelings invested was still low. Now? I'm not so sure.
I had relationships before, which I think should have been harder to get over with. Because those relationships had the mutual elements to it, of both parties liking each other. This time around, I didn't get to the mutual part, and yet, it still feels that much harder comparatively. I didn't have this much support when it comes to my relationships before. The friends I have now are more supportive than ever, still, I'm struggling to handle my emotions.
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I started to reminisce about all the little things that happened. I even recalled things from the depths of my memories. Like this one time, when she told me what her name meant. Her name is Jue Xin by the way. (A name that inspires me, and probably will still inspire me for a long time.) I suddenly remembered how she told me how she doesn't like her name, that it means "Determined". She said she doesn't like it cos it doesn't exactly mean that. I also remembered telling her how I don't like my own name either.
Why do I remember these things? I thought my mind made them up, so I asked my friend Joshua cos he knows Mandarin. And he did confirm that Jue Xin does mean "Determined", but it might also sound like "Cruel hearted", which I'm guessing why she doesn't like it. I wish I could go back in time and redo the whole thing. Tell her that she has a beautiful name.
You might not believe the story of how we first met. But I assure you, it's 100% what happened. Joshua might deny some parts of my story because he's more hamsap than he'd like to admit. =P
So, at the time, I was still dysthymic and did not know my friend Joshua that well. I don't remember what, but I was waiting for something. I was still actively avoiding people at that time. And Joshua dragged both me and Jue Xin into a room with glass walls in the lobby down at Wisma HELP.
Joshua kinda "forced" us to talk with him to kill the time with his annoying pushiness. We shared about our past, I got kinda emotional telling them my history in Penang. She shared with us how she's very stressed with her responsibilities in AIESEC as the president.
I told them about the shenanigans that Ive done. How I had never turned down a dare before. I think what happened was Joshua saw a pretty girl passed by, and dared me to sexually harass the poor girl in an attempt to put my record of "no dares ever turned down" to the test. Of course, I said no. And outlined some of my conditions of accepting a dare, like not infringing upon others, equitable rewards etc. I did, however, told him that I'd be happy to do it if he'd cover my litigation fees haha.
He then later asked, "What if I dare you to kiss Jue Xin right now?" Yep. That really happened. I was almost dared to kiss her, the first time that we met. I always wonder what would happen if I did kiss her that day. For the record, I won't randomly kiss people under normal circumstances. But I would if I'm dared to do it. It's my stupid pride. I've done dumber things.
But Joshua despite his hamsapness, he's still someone who respects girls. He immediately saw Jue Xin's reaction, and retracted his "What if" question and told us he's just joking.
Should I continue? Haha. Joshua kinda went on about dating, and sex, and masturbation. He asked both of us whether we were virgins and if we masturbate. I didn't answer the former, but Jue Xin did tell us she's a virgin and does masturbate sometimes. She's pretty stoic about the whole ordeal. I think other girls would have responded differently.
Good God, Joshua went on and taught us about the human anatomy, how labia are like flowers. Taught us about clits, gspot, the whole hamsap education package lol. He even told us fingering techniques. I'm not making this up. I was there sitting, and be like "Wow. This guy is unbelievably hamsap." The way he's teaching us, it's like he thinks he knows more about a girl's body than a girl does. He might as well have said "You're doing masturbation wrong" to Jue Xin the way he explained things to us.
It's funny in retrospect, but it didn't feel that way back then.
The dynamics of the room at that time was we're two strangers, somehow pulled by this hamsap guy to talk about hamsap things with him haha. I can see from her expression that she wanted to get away as much as I did. I wonder if her masturbating experience was ever enhanced by Joshua's teaching, but I'm not a hamsap guy so I never asked. Haha.
Took me a while though, before I got close to Jue Xin. The glass room ordeal was in our first year, but it's not until my third year that I got close to her due to thesis. She kinda was my thesis buddy.
So there you have it. We first met through a hamsap guy, almost kissed on a dare, asked about our virginities and taught fingering techniques.
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I feel that a lot of people who claim they are in a relationship are not in a relationship in a meaningful way. What I mean by that is they mostly go on autopilot. They put little to no conscious thoughts to it. Honestly, I think a lot immature relationships only involves reciprocating positive emotions. Two people, making each other feel good. When they stopped feeling good, they go back to working out on HOW to feel good again. At a glance, that should be good enough. But I dont think its supposed to be that way.
For example, I think common goals are something very important in a relationship. What do you wanna achieve together. And most couples don't even think about them. That's why they don't even try to align their goals. "Oh ya. My gf wants this. It's her goal in life. I support her" That's very superficial. What about where do you see yourself as a part of that? How do you enable her? And how would you make it so that her most important goals are also in sync with YOUR most important goals?
It might seem that I overthink, but hear me out. I asked someone who's supposed to "know" her boyfriend well, what she thought about corporal punishment in raising children. Her answer was a definite no. It is so core to her, due to her history of being abused. And I know this, as a friend. But she can't answer what is her boyfriend's stance on it, because she just assumed and never did ask. And she would definitely not be with someone who is okay with corporal punishment. I asked about it because I know the guy is an army buff, with a long line of family members enrolled in the military.
Do you see now how people don't get to the core of things that matters?
When it comes to it, a lot of people only "know" a lot of irrelevant things about their significant other. That's why in the middle of the road, only then, they would realize that they cant be with this person because how their values clashed.
From my observations, a lot of people are missing this part in their relationship, of going through their values with each other. And thinking of a middle ground if their values are incompatible.
It's not like you should ask your partners about odd questions like how they would raise children. But you should share the things that are integral to you as a person, that brings you to these kinda questions. That's how you "know" a person. Not just knowing their little habits.
All of these talks about relationship, and I only want to bring you to my point. That I am very conscious of my feelings. I know why I like a person. I know that most people cant really say for certain why they like someone because they don't really put much thoughts to it. But to me, being self-aware is important.
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So why do I like her? Mostly because I could engage with her intellectually. But there's a deeper, underlying reason for that.
The best thing about her is that she respects every person's individual rights very highly. She thinks that everyone should be free to do what they want, to get what they want as long as they don't infringe upon other's rights.
And this kinda extends to how she treats people.
You know how when we interact with others, we tend to limit ourselves in certain ways. Because we worry that we might impose, like making others a little bit uncomfortable with our personal views, biases and bad/annoying habits.
With her, she respects the expression of individuals, that she would tolerate most things that others probably would not. Whenever she detects an internal "I should probably shouldn't have said/do that", she would respond with "It's okay." She would reassure people to be their true selves with her.
My interactions with her, I kept bumping into walls of "Is this really okay?" and her resounding, unequivocal "Yes, it's okay" every single time, until I could be completely myself. Enabled me to be able to talk and discuss about everything and anything with her. My whole life, I feel like I've always held myself back. Because people either can't keep up with me, or I can't keep up with them. She matches my pace almost perfectly. It's a liberation I never thought was possible.
And I'm not the only one who feels that way. Some people also shared the same sentiment. That's what makes her so special.
I really crave that feeling of freedom when I'm with her. I crave it so much, that I started to wish that other people are a little bit like her. I still do.
Around the start of week 6 of my last semester in HELP, I came to a realization. I came to terms with my feelings. I thought to myself, if I'm really feeling this strongly about a person, it might mean that I like her.
The reason I asked her out for a date after only 5 weeks of realizing that I like her was because I didn't want to invest any more feelings before I get into a romantic relationship. But I guess I kinda already did invest a lot, looking at how messed up I am now.
It's kinda funny when I take look back. The moment I started to see her in a different light, after I acknowledged my feelings that "Hey! I like this girl". I think there was a time that I stared at her a little bit too intensely while she was talking. I think she got weirded out for a bit, that she looked over her shoulders twice or thrice, wondering if I was looking at something else or someone else. It made me giggle a little, seeing how clueless she was.
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I miss all the small stuff too. Like how she crinkles her nose when she disagrees with something. Or how she squints her eyes and tilts her head when she's thinking really hard. I miss the way she underbites to show discontent. I miss her playful head shakes when she cracks her lame jokes, with her bangs going all over the place that she'd later have to fix. I miss her iconic shrug, her infectious "Duh!" and "Wut...". Weird thing is that I'm not even that observant of a person to retain all of these fucking useless information that is no longer relevant whatsoever to my current life.
One of the things that I won't forget is how she randomly complimented me this one time. She said that I am the type of person that someone would be able to talk to in 3am, late night phone calls. At that time, I still didn't have a strong feeling for her. So I was just like "Okay...Thanks for the random ass compliment". But now, it's one of my cherished compliments that I ever got from her.
The last semester of my last year doing degree was one of the best periods in my life. Especially Wednesday.
On Wednesday, I get to sit next to her and chat with her in the morning. At noon, there would be student activities or talks or I'd go food hunting. Then in the afternoon, I would sit in for philosophy. At night, I'd watch Lucifer and afterwards I would discuss philosophy with her, sometimes until past midnight. Wednesdays were always perfect. I lived for Wednesdays.
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My last day in uni, I said my goodbye to her. I told her she's a cool and awesome person, and I aspire to be like her. She responded and said "It's not easy being me" I thought she was joking, so I said "Haha yeah. It's very hard to be as cool and awesome as you"
But then I realized she was tripping over her words. She later explained what she meant to say was each of us has our own hardship of being ourselves. And she told me about what she thinks about me as a person. It was one of the most beautiful things someone ever told me about myself.
The way she described me so concisely, really resonated with my core values. If eulogy was practised in Islam, I would have wanted that shit said about me at my funeral.
I used to have a lot of regrets in my life. Like how I didn't stand up for myself against my manipulative supervisors during my chemical engineering days, the fact that my evil sister sabotaged my future in aviation, or why I took so long to get out of depression to enrol in psychology. It's pretty unbelievable, but those regrets are now all gone. I didn't even think it was possible. I really thought that some regrets will stay with me for the rest of my life. But she took that all away. Knowing her has made it all worth it. All the shitty events in my life, that led me up to her. SHE made it all worth it.
I feel that my highest privilege as her friend was that she confided in me this one time. She told me how nervous she was about presenting. She's usually this calm and collected person, with cold demeanour. I hate it when she says it, but she always says that she has a "resting bitch face". Everyone else thinks highly of her, and would probably brush her worries as nonsensical. She's usually a logical person, but she showed me her illogical sides. She told me that she wishes she could present while covering her eyes. I calmed her nerves down, and she thanked me for it. She could have gone to anyone else, but she went to me and showed me another side of her self.
It pains me that I don't get to be her go-to person anymore if she ever needs someone to talk to. A poem by Hafiz al-Shirazi conveys this feeling of mine very eloquently.
You could stare at pictures if you miss a beautiful face. But what do you do if you miss a beautiful mind?
I wrote a confession in HUCP when I was in my very short-lived infatuation phase. She really likes Tuzki the bunny character from facebook, so I directed it to "Little Ms Tuzki" (even tho the bunny is a male).
`To Little Ms Tuzki,
At one point in time, I realized that your smile made me so damn happy. And I thought to myself, if I could make you smile every day, then I would be happy forever. `
Actually, there's an extension that I cut out. "Even though forever is just another construct of our limited understanding of time and space, usually used hyperbolically" I'm still me, even when I get poetic haha.
I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm just letting the emotional part of my brain to think/feel what it wants to, but my actions will always be towards moving on.
I think that's all from me. Thank you for reading all the way up until the end.
To wrap things up, I wouldn't say that I love her.
But this much is certain. I like her. Irrationally.
Signing off,
-C
The Ballad of C
The ballad of me."
A little bit background of myself before I start rambling. Because I know inevitably, some people would be judgmental about my faith as a Muslim.
I have to be frank, my faith is weak. When I was in secondary school, I read a journal article, and it kinda challenged the fundamentals of what I believed in. I just couldn't be a Muslim anymore.
And so, I went out of Islam, because I realized that it was nothing but blind faith. I went on for some soul searching, researching and reading a lot of historic materials and stuff on religions. I admit, at one point, I was really close to choosing Christianity. Because how hospitable they could be, compared to a lot of Muslim assholes that I know. I knew the Christians would welcome me with open arms if I ran to them. But based on everything that I've read, I decided that if there was ever one true religion, it has to be Islam. I came back to Islam after I deliberated on the evidence. Emotions almost tilt me over to other religion, but if the evidence were pointing to other religion than Islam, I would have probably chosen that instead. That's how objective I am.
I think ultimately if there's a god, I believe that he will be a merciful one. And he'd know that I've done the homework. If there is a true religion and I picked the wrong one, he'd forgive me. But philosophically speaking, religion is like throwing the dice. Cos we will never truly know for sure. At least before I threw the dice, I did my due diligence. So that's why I can respect all religion. Nobody is wrong, cos we don't really know who is right.
To those who would criticize me for ever coming out of Islam. I ask you this. In a hypothetical life in which you are immortal, and will outlive everyone else. Would you just stick to the one religion you were born with, and be a Muslim for hundreds, thousands of years without questioning anything? If you answer yes, you are probably a hypocrite. If you're not a hypocrite, I respect your faith. But know that, in a way, that I've lived a hypothetical immortal lifetime compared to you because I questioned my own faith. God gave each of us a brain so we could think and decide. Don't be afraid of the truth that you might find, seeking for answers.
So, with this, I hope you get a clear picture of how I am as a person and where my faith as a Muslim stands.
From my point of view, religion shouldn't get in the way of love. Because love is so pure and universal, that it transcends language, culture and every single social construct. Religion is taught, so it's very hard for me to fathom that it should take precedence over love which is innate to every human. The language of compassion and affection is understood even by aboriginal people. I think that people who are confined by their religion about who they decided they "could fall in love with" is just outright ridiculous.
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Some more background, if you're still reading. When I was younger, I failed my chemical engineering course, was depressed for years and stayed at home. My family didn't care about me. Picked myself up, signed up for psychology.
I was dysthymic in foundation and also the first year of my psychology degree. My happiness ceiling was low, I just don't feel that happy even when I did stuff that should make me happy. I don't have any needs to socialize. I avoid people, I purposely dressed ugly. I didn't change my phone. I was using my Sony Ericsson W700 up until 2016. I go to class, I go back. It wasn't until my friend Mun Theng brought me out of my depressive state that I started making new friends.
The people who knew me before and after, they might think that I've changed. Some think that I "improved" my social skills. Some think that I'm "pretending" to be someone I'm not. But trust me when I say I didn't change. I just became normal again after a long time. And for that, I'm forever grateful and indebted to the awesome Lieu Mun Theng. <3
One weird thing about all this is I will always have people who are into me. Sometimes I even get the crazy ones. Exhibit A, le crazy fan:
I'm just telling this now because some might think that I'm the forever alone kinda person for what I have to tell later. I'm not. In fact, I think my self-esteem when it comes to romantic relationship is a bit inflated given the fact that I've been with amazing girls who are above average in their looks. Even got some non-Malay juniors confessing to me before I was finished with my degree.
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*Deep breath*
Here goes. The extremely simplified version of what's happening with my current love life:
I liked a girl. Asked her out for a date. She said no.
I thought we could be normal friends. Turned out she didn't want the old friendship. She wants something less. I was okay with it for a bit, until I was not. And now I can't get over her.
Yes, it's pathetic, I know. We didn't get into a romantic relationship, she was not my girlfriend. Why should I get so hung up on her? I asked myself the same question. My friend David called me a "beta male" for this. Illogical thoughts are plaguing my mind, that it really annoys me to no end. It's very incongruent with me as a logical person. I just can't help it. I can only put it as my brain going rogue and off the tracks with how I'm feeling. Its hella frustrating to have no control over your own thoughts.
To give perspective, this is how my relationships usually go.
First comes friendship. If I feel that I want something more, I would then ask her out for a date to explore romantic interest. If it buds, then we go the next level. If not, then we could stay friends. If I get rejected, I move on. It's simple, it's practical.
I'm not adhering to the things I've outlined for myself, and I don't know why.
In my mind of how it was supposed to be:
She's an extremely interesting girl, and way out of my league.
I will probably get rejected, but I will have no regrets. We should still be friends.
After she told me "There's no turning back",
I lost a friend. But that's okay. I can still be inspired by her, we can still be colleagues.
But the current hiccup in the plan is that she's occupying the spaces of my mind, that a part of me thinks I wouldn't consider anyone else but her.
No one person is completely similar to another. But statistically speaking, if I meet a lot of people, I should be able to find someone similar to her. Added to the fact that I've been with different types of girls before, so finding someone like her shouldn't even be my concern. I should be very open to any girl.
So why is it that a part of me still holding on to some idiotic hope? Why do I have this lingering feeling that no one else will ever fill the void?
I rejected a lot of people. I used to think that those people will manage just fine. Because to me, we didn't even get into a romantic relationship. It was nothing serious. There was no commitment or anything. The feelings invested was still low. Now? I'm not so sure.
I had relationships before, which I think should have been harder to get over with. Because those relationships had the mutual elements to it, of both parties liking each other. This time around, I didn't get to the mutual part, and yet, it still feels that much harder comparatively. I didn't have this much support when it comes to my relationships before. The friends I have now are more supportive than ever, still, I'm struggling to handle my emotions.
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I started to reminisce about all the little things that happened. I even recalled things from the depths of my memories. Like this one time, when she told me what her name meant. Her name is Jue Xin by the way. (A name that inspires me, and probably will still inspire me for a long time.) I suddenly remembered how she told me how she doesn't like her name, that it means "Determined". She said she doesn't like it cos it doesn't exactly mean that. I also remembered telling her how I don't like my own name either.
Why do I remember these things? I thought my mind made them up, so I asked my friend Joshua cos he knows Mandarin. And he did confirm that Jue Xin does mean "Determined", but it might also sound like "Cruel hearted", which I'm guessing why she doesn't like it. I wish I could go back in time and redo the whole thing. Tell her that she has a beautiful name.
You might not believe the story of how we first met. But I assure you, it's 100% what happened. Joshua might deny some parts of my story because he's more hamsap than he'd like to admit. =P
So, at the time, I was still dysthymic and did not know my friend Joshua that well. I don't remember what, but I was waiting for something. I was still actively avoiding people at that time. And Joshua dragged both me and Jue Xin into a room with glass walls in the lobby down at Wisma HELP.
Joshua kinda "forced" us to talk with him to kill the time with his annoying pushiness. We shared about our past, I got kinda emotional telling them my history in Penang. She shared with us how she's very stressed with her responsibilities in AIESEC as the president.
I told them about the shenanigans that Ive done. How I had never turned down a dare before. I think what happened was Joshua saw a pretty girl passed by, and dared me to sexually harass the poor girl in an attempt to put my record of "no dares ever turned down" to the test. Of course, I said no. And outlined some of my conditions of accepting a dare, like not infringing upon others, equitable rewards etc. I did, however, told him that I'd be happy to do it if he'd cover my litigation fees haha.
He then later asked, "What if I dare you to kiss Jue Xin right now?" Yep. That really happened. I was almost dared to kiss her, the first time that we met. I always wonder what would happen if I did kiss her that day. For the record, I won't randomly kiss people under normal circumstances. But I would if I'm dared to do it. It's my stupid pride. I've done dumber things.
But Joshua despite his hamsapness, he's still someone who respects girls. He immediately saw Jue Xin's reaction, and retracted his "What if" question and told us he's just joking.
Should I continue? Haha. Joshua kinda went on about dating, and sex, and masturbation. He asked both of us whether we were virgins and if we masturbate. I didn't answer the former, but Jue Xin did tell us she's a virgin and does masturbate sometimes. She's pretty stoic about the whole ordeal. I think other girls would have responded differently.
Good God, Joshua went on and taught us about the human anatomy, how labia are like flowers. Taught us about clits, gspot, the whole hamsap education package lol. He even told us fingering techniques. I'm not making this up. I was there sitting, and be like "Wow. This guy is unbelievably hamsap." The way he's teaching us, it's like he thinks he knows more about a girl's body than a girl does. He might as well have said "You're doing masturbation wrong" to Jue Xin the way he explained things to us.
It's funny in retrospect, but it didn't feel that way back then.
The dynamics of the room at that time was we're two strangers, somehow pulled by this hamsap guy to talk about hamsap things with him haha. I can see from her expression that she wanted to get away as much as I did. I wonder if her masturbating experience was ever enhanced by Joshua's teaching, but I'm not a hamsap guy so I never asked. Haha.
Took me a while though, before I got close to Jue Xin. The glass room ordeal was in our first year, but it's not until my third year that I got close to her due to thesis. She kinda was my thesis buddy.
So there you have it. We first met through a hamsap guy, almost kissed on a dare, asked about our virginities and taught fingering techniques.
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I feel that a lot of people who claim they are in a relationship are not in a relationship in a meaningful way. What I mean by that is they mostly go on autopilot. They put little to no conscious thoughts to it. Honestly, I think a lot immature relationships only involves reciprocating positive emotions. Two people, making each other feel good. When they stopped feeling good, they go back to working out on HOW to feel good again. At a glance, that should be good enough. But I dont think its supposed to be that way.
For example, I think common goals are something very important in a relationship. What do you wanna achieve together. And most couples don't even think about them. That's why they don't even try to align their goals. "Oh ya. My gf wants this. It's her goal in life. I support her" That's very superficial. What about where do you see yourself as a part of that? How do you enable her? And how would you make it so that her most important goals are also in sync with YOUR most important goals?
It might seem that I overthink, but hear me out. I asked someone who's supposed to "know" her boyfriend well, what she thought about corporal punishment in raising children. Her answer was a definite no. It is so core to her, due to her history of being abused. And I know this, as a friend. But she can't answer what is her boyfriend's stance on it, because she just assumed and never did ask. And she would definitely not be with someone who is okay with corporal punishment. I asked about it because I know the guy is an army buff, with a long line of family members enrolled in the military.
Do you see now how people don't get to the core of things that matters?
When it comes to it, a lot of people only "know" a lot of irrelevant things about their significant other. That's why in the middle of the road, only then, they would realize that they cant be with this person because how their values clashed.
From my observations, a lot of people are missing this part in their relationship, of going through their values with each other. And thinking of a middle ground if their values are incompatible.
It's not like you should ask your partners about odd questions like how they would raise children. But you should share the things that are integral to you as a person, that brings you to these kinda questions. That's how you "know" a person. Not just knowing their little habits.
All of these talks about relationship, and I only want to bring you to my point. That I am very conscious of my feelings. I know why I like a person. I know that most people cant really say for certain why they like someone because they don't really put much thoughts to it. But to me, being self-aware is important.
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So why do I like her? Mostly because I could engage with her intellectually. But there's a deeper, underlying reason for that.
The best thing about her is that she respects every person's individual rights very highly. She thinks that everyone should be free to do what they want, to get what they want as long as they don't infringe upon other's rights.
And this kinda extends to how she treats people.
You know how when we interact with others, we tend to limit ourselves in certain ways. Because we worry that we might impose, like making others a little bit uncomfortable with our personal views, biases and bad/annoying habits.
With her, she respects the expression of individuals, that she would tolerate most things that others probably would not. Whenever she detects an internal "I should probably shouldn't have said/do that", she would respond with "It's okay." She would reassure people to be their true selves with her.
My interactions with her, I kept bumping into walls of "Is this really okay?" and her resounding, unequivocal "Yes, it's okay" every single time, until I could be completely myself. Enabled me to be able to talk and discuss about everything and anything with her. My whole life, I feel like I've always held myself back. Because people either can't keep up with me, or I can't keep up with them. She matches my pace almost perfectly. It's a liberation I never thought was possible.
And I'm not the only one who feels that way. Some people also shared the same sentiment. That's what makes her so special.
I really crave that feeling of freedom when I'm with her. I crave it so much, that I started to wish that other people are a little bit like her. I still do.
Around the start of week 6 of my last semester in HELP, I came to a realization. I came to terms with my feelings. I thought to myself, if I'm really feeling this strongly about a person, it might mean that I like her.
The reason I asked her out for a date after only 5 weeks of realizing that I like her was because I didn't want to invest any more feelings before I get into a romantic relationship. But I guess I kinda already did invest a lot, looking at how messed up I am now.
It's kinda funny when I take look back. The moment I started to see her in a different light, after I acknowledged my feelings that "Hey! I like this girl". I think there was a time that I stared at her a little bit too intensely while she was talking. I think she got weirded out for a bit, that she looked over her shoulders twice or thrice, wondering if I was looking at something else or someone else. It made me giggle a little, seeing how clueless she was.
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I miss all the small stuff too. Like how she crinkles her nose when she disagrees with something. Or how she squints her eyes and tilts her head when she's thinking really hard. I miss the way she underbites to show discontent. I miss her playful head shakes when she cracks her lame jokes, with her bangs going all over the place that she'd later have to fix. I miss her iconic shrug, her infectious "Duh!" and "Wut...". Weird thing is that I'm not even that observant of a person to retain all of these fucking useless information that is no longer relevant whatsoever to my current life.
One of the things that I won't forget is how she randomly complimented me this one time. She said that I am the type of person that someone would be able to talk to in 3am, late night phone calls. At that time, I still didn't have a strong feeling for her. So I was just like "Okay...Thanks for the random ass compliment". But now, it's one of my cherished compliments that I ever got from her.
The last semester of my last year doing degree was one of the best periods in my life. Especially Wednesday.
On Wednesday, I get to sit next to her and chat with her in the morning. At noon, there would be student activities or talks or I'd go food hunting. Then in the afternoon, I would sit in for philosophy. At night, I'd watch Lucifer and afterwards I would discuss philosophy with her, sometimes until past midnight. Wednesdays were always perfect. I lived for Wednesdays.
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My last day in uni, I said my goodbye to her. I told her she's a cool and awesome person, and I aspire to be like her. She responded and said "It's not easy being me" I thought she was joking, so I said "Haha yeah. It's very hard to be as cool and awesome as you"
But then I realized she was tripping over her words. She later explained what she meant to say was each of us has our own hardship of being ourselves. And she told me about what she thinks about me as a person. It was one of the most beautiful things someone ever told me about myself.
The way she described me so concisely, really resonated with my core values. If eulogy was practised in Islam, I would have wanted that shit said about me at my funeral.
I used to have a lot of regrets in my life. Like how I didn't stand up for myself against my manipulative supervisors during my chemical engineering days, the fact that my evil sister sabotaged my future in aviation, or why I took so long to get out of depression to enrol in psychology. It's pretty unbelievable, but those regrets are now all gone. I didn't even think it was possible. I really thought that some regrets will stay with me for the rest of my life. But she took that all away. Knowing her has made it all worth it. All the shitty events in my life, that led me up to her. SHE made it all worth it.
I feel that my highest privilege as her friend was that she confided in me this one time. She told me how nervous she was about presenting. She's usually this calm and collected person, with cold demeanour. I hate it when she says it, but she always says that she has a "resting bitch face". Everyone else thinks highly of her, and would probably brush her worries as nonsensical. She's usually a logical person, but she showed me her illogical sides. She told me that she wishes she could present while covering her eyes. I calmed her nerves down, and she thanked me for it. She could have gone to anyone else, but she went to me and showed me another side of her self.
It pains me that I don't get to be her go-to person anymore if she ever needs someone to talk to. A poem by Hafiz al-Shirazi conveys this feeling of mine very eloquently.
You could stare at pictures if you miss a beautiful face. But what do you do if you miss a beautiful mind?
I wrote a confession in HUCP when I was in my very short-lived infatuation phase. She really likes Tuzki the bunny character from facebook, so I directed it to "Little Ms Tuzki" (even tho the bunny is a male).
`To Little Ms Tuzki,
At one point in time, I realized that your smile made me so damn happy. And I thought to myself, if I could make you smile every day, then I would be happy forever. `
Actually, there's an extension that I cut out. "Even though forever is just another construct of our limited understanding of time and space, usually used hyperbolically" I'm still me, even when I get poetic haha.
I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm just letting the emotional part of my brain to think/feel what it wants to, but my actions will always be towards moving on.
I think that's all from me. Thank you for reading all the way up until the end.
To wrap things up, I wouldn't say that I love her.
But this much is certain. I like her. Irrationally.
Signing off,
-C
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