Once more, with feeling

It's fasting month. It's the time of the year where I have to gather my strengths to face the day where I'll be at my weakest. Even though I have protocols in place, I feel that Raya is the one day that I might go through all of my stop-gaps and fail-safes.

As someone who've survived multiple suicide attempts before. In what feels like multiple lifetimes ago. I admit. The distant darkness would sometimes still creep in. But a silly little mantra has always helped me pull through. Not with just staying alive, but with everything that I do. It let me hold on long enough, as I hold out for some kind of mad hope. Compelled me to take another shot. Made me try my best. Made me be better.

The significance which I ascribed these simple words to... To most, they are but a title of an episode of an old tv show. But to me, they are the vanguard at the forefront of my battles. They rally all of my emotions, prepare me for the war within.

Don't get confused with its conventional ethos. The internal chant doesn't mean the last hurrah. It's not calling for one final act before taking a bow. It might sound like denouncing previous efforts. But truly, it doesn't invalidate past feelings.

It turns the worst pains I have into the most valuable lessons for me to keep moving forward. It resets my convictions with strengthened resolve. Akin to making the same vows with renewed vigor. Enables me to go all in, no matter how little that I feel that I have left in the tank.

Like the fictional doctor, endlessly shouting without relent, "Dormammu, I've come to bargain!" Once more!

Imagining it like it was the first time. Yet as if it will be the last time. Once more!
Exactly like PRU, "Ini kali lah!" Once more!

Ricocheting with rocking momentum like a beat-down Bobo doll. Once more!

Again and again. As many times as it takes. With everything that I've got. Once more!
Ignoring the cruelty of life. Of mistakes and regrets. With infinite mental redos. Once more!
Because I realize that I've been here before. For millions of times. Yet I'd still decide for another go. Once more!

As I get intoxicated with the ideas of the best possible outcomes. I'd convince myself that they're not gonna be just wishful thoughts and dreams. And I'd say to myself:

"Once more, with feeling."